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Dating a recovering alcoholic problems

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''They must deal with each other without using the alc oholism as a scapegoat.'' Social drinking friends of a problem drinker may wonder whether to serve liquor when he is around.''My husband was married to a woman who did not join Alanon and did nothing to change herself,'' said Emily, the wife of a recovered alcoholic, ''while he was changing and his whole life was changing.Eventually they separated.'' Psychotherapy may also be called upon to help prevent sobriety from shattering a marriage that has survived years of alcoholism.''When he or she comes home with the smell on the breath and acting a little happy,'' Mrs.Dulfano said, ''the other may be envious that he or she cannot have that feeling. But later when they feel stronger -.'' Until ''later'' arrives, what may be a period of growth for one partner may be one of frustration for the other.Celia Dulfano, a family therapist who is a member of the National Council on Alcoholism's Committee on the Family, says that alcoholism in one partner can become so much a part of the relationship that when it is absent the relationship must be altered.

''They have to change the way they relate to each other,'' she said.

But living with a recovered - or recovering - alcholic is not without stress, as those who know will attest.

''The person who's giving up drinking experiences a kind of euphoria in the early days with A.

''A man may want to come home and have a drink, because he can handle it,'' said Dr. ''But he may feel guilty because his wife cannot drink, and he may not want to drink alone.

He may also have a feeling that his drinking is being judged.'' Dr.

A.,'' said James, an executive in a nonprofit agency who is a recovered alcoholic.